Everyone at one time or another has experienced depression. The degree of depression, whether mild or severe, usually determines how you function on a day to day basis. It surely is not a competition. Nor is it a sign of lack of faith. Depression happens to good people as well as maybe not so good people. There are times when professional help can greatly improve the quality of life, if not save one from themselves. This blog shares my journey as I acknowledge my own depression, what I have learned through counseling, and how I am moving on with life...living in the present.
Baked Egg Avocado
(breakfast this morning)
I thought a lot about life after losing Anabelle. How it can change on a dime. It made me want to live a life worth living. What is all this suffering for? I thought about my own life. Have I done all that I am suppose to do? There were many things I learned during that time. I would ask myself, if I were to die tomorrow what would I wish I had done?
I realized I had to tell the story of what we experienced in hope that it might help make a difference. I also felt that if I could just get it out. If I could tell it in a way that it would be heard. Then maybe I could let go of this heaviness I have been carrying around, and maybe purge this pain I have in my heart. So, I began writing every free moment I could manage. There were days it made me physically ill to write and I would have to take a break for several days before I could start back. It ultimately took three years of writing and recovery to get to a point where I could at least send it to someone to edit.
My husband, Jerry, went through the storm with me. We had our own storms that most people experience that have been married for several years. For as much respect as we had for each other, I had decided that I wanted a divorce. Life was short and I wasn't happy with our relationship. I also wanted to live a life of truth and I felt like we weren't being honest. That is where it changed.
He was determined to hold on to our marriage and prove to me he loved me. He started bringing me breakfast in bed every morning, making my lunch and writing a love letter everyday. I was not worthy of this by any means. He kept loving me even when I didn't want him to and slowly I began to see him in a different light. I recognize actions. I recognized the way he was showing me he loved me and it changed me. His kindness made me want to give our life together another chance. He had grown to a place where he loved me just as I am, and that acceptance made me able to give love back. I am happy that we have each other, and we have turned that page in our test by fire.
Our lives have gone on to other challenges that seemed to bring us even closer. The odd thing was that the next test life sent showed me who our friends are. I could accept it, feel the pain, and let it go. Some people are meant to be in our lives for a short while only. Then there are those that will always love you and stand by you...those are the people to keep in your life so you can heal. Healthy boundaries help fight depression. It protects you from those that may not have experienced great pain in their life.
This week I enjoyed living in the moment. We watched our daughter playing softball across the country in Georgia, via Twitter, on our laptop. This helped me not think about the political sadness of the news in our country and around the world. It seems sometimes we have forgotten our humanity.
This week's tip for increasing positive thoughts and mood is to do an exercise where you write a list of ten things you are thankful for. If that is too difficult, start with five things, no pressure, just baby steps if necessary. May you never lose hope and may peace find you wherever you go.
Jackie