How long does it take to heal a broken heart? Whether it is a lost love or the death of a child. How long is the proper length of time to grieve? I have been grieving for the past three years over the death of my granddaughter, Anabelle. She was one year and two months when the biogenesis cell disorder, Zellweger, ended her short life. Some might remember the blog I wrote during her illness at Anabellelee.org. That is when I discovered how much helped me during that dark time. I have decided to blog my journey to a happy place. I am hoping that by sharing as openly and straight forward as I can, that this might give comfort to someone who is also struggling with getting up and functioning. At the same time, by committing to writing the journey, I am more likely to have success on this road to happiness.
Healing is a process. For the first year following her death I had only enough strength to force myself to get out of bed, go to work, and come home. I drank a bottle of red wine most nights for a year without apology. It was all I could manage. The second year I gained an enormous amount of weight, probably all the red wine, and sedentary lifestyle. It wasn't long until I began to develop high blood pressure, increased shortness of breath, and cankles (when your ankle is the same size as your calf, Calf + Ankle = Cankle). I was dying. I just felt it and I didn't care. I pushed my friends away. I didn't care about much except my children, and my husband, who loved me even when I didn't want him to.
I made a conscious decision to start changing the things in my life that were in my control and to find happiness with myself. I began with small steps. Stop drinking to excess, only socially which means one drink, no more than two. Start moving. I walk during my lunch break on sunny days and this helps give me energy to complete the day and burn off any negative feelings. I have started saying prayers for anyone that I feelings from so that there may be peace between me and that person. I also walk with Lola when I get home because Lola is always happy to see me! We adopted a rescue puppy, Lola, for our daughter. Taylor's first dog and she has helped me smile on days when smiling was an effort.
I have also started doing Pilates outside in my back yard. I put on music that makes me want to dance and place my mat so that I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face. Sunlight is believed to increase the Serotonin levels in the body that elevate mood naturally. I like Pilates because I can do it anywhere and it really has significantly decreased my back pain. I have started other measures on this mission to get myself to a healthy body. I make sure I am getting enough sleep. All the exercise helps me fall asleep on most nights, but there are times I must use progressive relaxation techniques to turn my analytical mind off long enough to drift off to sleep. I also began making time for morning meditation. This helps me stay centered and focused through out my work day.
I will be exploring other avenues to my happy place for next week's blog. So until then, may peace find you where ever you go.
Jackie